I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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