Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
