I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
