its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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