He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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