he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
