How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize