Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
