Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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