If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
