Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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