We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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