You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I want to be your penis for a week.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
