Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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