i already hear my dad disowning me
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
