2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Randomize
