M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Someone signed my nipple.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize