I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
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