i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
