Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
