I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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