"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
