Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
