you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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