Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
