my vag is so smooth its legendary
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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