you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
