It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
