So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
