good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
