after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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