she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
