Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
