i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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