Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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