Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
