having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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