my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
