someone threw a dead crab at me
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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