So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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