I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
she peed on how many people?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
