Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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