I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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