I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Can I color on your dick again?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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