Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
