Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
