Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
