Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize