You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
