he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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