WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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