Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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