im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
