i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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