Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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