i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize