i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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