How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
