I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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