dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize