sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
