Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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