Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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