they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
